Zoe Saldana is talking shit. No, for real: "Everybody told me, 'Oh, don't worry, I know you hate changing diapers, but when you have your own kid.... Well, guess what? I had my own kids, and I will do whatever I need to do to not change a dirty diaper," the 38-year-old star of this month's Star Trek Beyond says of her now-19-month-old identical twin boys, Cy and Bowie. "A blowout? I can't do it—I end up with shit everywhere! There is shit on the boy; there is shit on me; there is shit in my hair. And I'm like, How did this happen?"

How did this happen? How did the little girl from Queens who got shipped off to the Dominican Republic at nine years old when her father died suddenly and her mother needed to focus like a laser on supporting her family end up here, dropping an ice cube into the glass of pink champagne she's having to celebrate wrapping up a photo shoot with Patrick Demarchelier? Well, first of all, you get the feeling that things don't "happen" to Zoe Saldana. She wills them into existence with the same titanium-core determination that propelled her from her breakout role as a mouthy ballet student in the 2000 movie Center Stage straight through to her impressive current position of starring in not one, not two, but three blockbuster movie franchises that have already grossed a cumulative $4.4 billion worldwide (and that's before the filming of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 has even wrapped or Avatar 2, 3, 4, or 5 has come to an IMAX anywhere near you). But enough about her hugely successful career. Saldana wants to get back to talking about her toddlers.

You know that badass college roommate who turned into the personification of a BabyCenter message board as soon as she reproduced? Saldana is basically the Hollywood version of her, but at least she admits it. "I'm one of those people now," Saldana says. "My husband and I went to dinner the other night with some friends, and all I kept doing was talking about the boys. You can see how conversations just..." She pantomimes eyes glazing over. "I remember asking Marco, 'Am I talking too much about the boys?'

And he says, 'A leetle bit'—you know, in that accent." (Her Italian husband, a long-haired professional soccer player turned artist, took Saldana's name when they got married in 2013. And yes, he's as sexy as every part of that sentence would suggest.) "We decided we need to just talk to ourselves, and that's what we did the whole night," she says, rolling her deeply lined brown eyes at the memory....

 Zoe Saldana by Patrick Demarchelier for Allure July 2016

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